I think everyone's life has a theme; it's own little grail quest that is played out on a grand, lifelong scale. For me that quest, the thing I desire more than anything else, is the safety, refuge, and love of a good, healthy family that I can call my own. And the search has been hard for me.
My natural family isn't around anymore, for various reasons, and I've been pretty much handling life by myself for about seven years now. In those seven years, about three families have offered to invite me into their families, and be there for me, but in what seems like this tragic pattern, something always happens to come between my new "family" and me. And it hurts each time as if I've lost my family again. But I have this belief that somewhere out there I have a family and people who will love me through anything, no matter what.
I'm saying all of this here and now because I'm beginning to consider joining a family as a plural wife. I'm not sure what will happen. Everything is only just beginning, and is in that careful, fragile, who-knows-what-will-happen stage. But I'm a little afraid. I'm excited, yes, and very happy when I'm with them, but I'm also a little afraid. And on top of being afraid of loving and loosing another family, I'm afraid that they won't be able to handle my being afraid. And I'm afraid that I'll loose them if I let them too close, and I don't want to loose them. They really are wonderful. I wish I could tell you better what makes them so wonderful, but they didn'task to have their personal information put on the internet.
And so we're back to a few of the usual places. "Perfect love casteth out all fear". If I am really trusting God, then I can know that nothing will happen to me that s outside of His will as long as I am following Him. He is in charge of me, and if He is in charge of them, as well, then all will end as God wants it too. If either of us is outside of God's will, then we wouldn't really be happy together anyway.
I have all of these what-ifs in my mind. What if it doesn't work out? What if it does? What if it works out long enough for us to all make some serious commitments and then it fails? What if someone gets hurt? What if I get hurt?
And yet, as the possibility of being hurt is part of love. Love can't possibly exist without the possibility of being hurt because love, without that possibility is really just selfishness. Love is opening your heart to someone else, putting them in a position where they might possibly hurt you. The trick to loving is knowing that your needs are met elsewhere, in God, and you are finally free to love unselfishly rather than protecting your own interests.
And yet, I still get the strange, backed into a corner sensation sometimes. There is going to be alot of work for me to do on myself to get through this. Like everything else good in my life up to this point, it will have to be a work of God.
My life s in Your hands
My heart is in Your keeping
I'm never without love
For my salvation is in You.
My life is in Your hands
And though I may not see clearly
I will lift my voice and sing
For Your love does amazing thngs
Lord, I know, my life is in Your hands.